It’s the weekend after Valentine’s Day. The world is hungover on love, and not the kind that can be cured with some Burger King. Everywhere people are fluttering around in a daze of pheromones and happiness. Taylor Swift music is up at the top of the charts again and everyone who’s anyone has got themselves a slampiece to call their own. Valentine’s Day is the holiday that just won’t quit. So what to do?
Head to the movies, right? It’ll be safe there. Even if you can hear people making out, you won’t have to see it, right? Wrong. Whether single, in love, or just looking for a place to get busy, the movie theater is the most dangerous place to be the weekend after Valentine’s day. Why? Two words – Nicholas Sparks.
His latest creation, Safe Haven premiered nationwide on Thursday. Coincidence? Hell no. This weekend will bring an all-out melee between mothers and daughters to get the last tickets to the late-night showing. And I don’t mean Real-Housewife style cat fights. We’re talking clawing, biting, and bottle smashing. Some WWE shit. How romantic.
This is the first sign that nothing good can come from a Nicholas Sparks date-night. Whether you are a girl just trying to see Josh Duhamel shirtless, or a guy thinking that Safe Haven will help you get into your girlfriend’s pants, it’s not worth the madness you will endure. There will be more tears in that theater than during Les Miserables and twice the depression.
How could that possibly be? Let’s take a look at the plotline (courtesy of my college best friend, Wikipedia): Julianne Hough plays the “beautiful yet unassuming” Katie, who arrives in the town of Southport, North Carolina after escaping a mysteriously dark past. She tries to avoid personal ties to the small community but eventually finds herself falling in love with local widower Alex (Duhamel). And then this happens – “Katie realizes a choice must be made between a life of transient safety and one of riskier rewards, and that in the darkest hour, love is the only true safe haven.”
There was so much cheese in that description alone that my cholesterol just went up 20 points. But Nicholas Sparks is one tricky guy. It’s not the type of cheese that is endearingly tacky and ridiculous, like watching the original Godzilla movie. It’s the delusional type of cheese – the one that, despite never having met a person so flawless and romantic in real life as every single character in those movies – people still think is real. Cue unrealistic expectations. Cue depression.
So here’s news flash for all of you. Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams are not in love. If someone actually wrote you 365 letters, you would have gotten a restraining order. Zac Efron is not going to become your handyman/ lover. And kisses like this (below) only look so amazing because of a team of 300-pound men mouth-breathing together in a dark room.
Doesn’t look so cute anymore, does it?
Now, I’m not trying to sound bitter. I’m not. All I’m saying is we need to stop the madness. Nicholas Sparks is not the best thing to happen to romance movies. He’s the worst. Those movies aren’t real life! They’re unhealthy escapism that only leaves you feeling like ass about your own existence. You want to watch romance? Watch Like Crazy, or Silver Linings Playbook. Or hell, even indulge and watch The Titanic. After all, when dappling in affairs of the heart, you can’t forget to treat yourself right too.
Do you love Nicholas Sparks movies? Or are you like me and wish they would disappear?Tags: Josh Duhamel, Julianne Hough, Nicholas Sparks, rachel McAdams, ryan gosling, Safe Haven, The Notebook, valentines day, Zac Efron