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March 13, 2013  | by: Leigh Badrigian

Instagram (kimkardashian)


You know what sounds ah-maaazing right now? A nice, relaxing facial. But the typical old-fashioned facial is so tired. I mean, the warm washcloth and steam? The exfoliating scrub? The lavender-scented essential oils? Bo-ring! Get your butts into the 21st century, aestheticians! What else in on the menu?

How about a lovely, rejuvenating Vampire Facial?! Oh, now that just sounds heavenly…or…um…underworldly, I guess. All you have to do is give three vials of blood…you probably didn’t even need that blood anyway…wait 20 minutes for the blood to be mixed around in a special machine that does something scientific that nobody understands…get your face nice and numbed up…and then have your blood re-injected into your face with a needle! Oh, my stress is melting away just thinking about it! Afterwards, once the bruises heal and the pain goes away, you’re left with beautiful, youthful, wrinkle-free, glowing skin!

Sign me up! Sign me up! I want needles in my face right now! And I’m not the only girl craving some needle action. Everyone’s go-to guru for wisdom and all-around genius advice, Kim Kardashian, has already gotten this fabulous facial, which, let’s face it (haha get it?!), is the best thing since sliced skin…I mean, bread! Sliced bread!

Instagram (kimkardashian)

Instagram (kimkardashian)

Obviously Kim doesn’t get enough of herself already, so she has to have doses of herself re-injected into her body. Unfortunately for her, this facelift can be quite painful. I don’t know how, but apparently it is. She screamed out in pain during the injections. Pshh…wimp. Who expects facials to feel good? Everyone knows that the only way you know a skincare product is working is if it feels like your face is burning off the moment you apply it. What is this, amateur hour?

The only problem with the Vampire Facial…and, honestly, this is the only problem…is that it’s not very modern. I mean, everyone knows the whole vampire trend is on its way out. It’s all about zombies now! That’s what’s sexy. Zombie Facials should be the next “It” thing. All you have to do is take out some of your guts and organs…you probably didn’t need them anyway…wait 20 minutes for the guts to be mixed around in a special machine that does something scientific that nobody understands…and then eat them…and the aesthetician. You gotta act like a zombie, remember?!

The Vampire Facial costs a measly $1500, so anyone can get one! And the results last nearly two years! Granted, that’s like two seconds in vampire time, but definitely a while in human time. They were even given as swag bag gifts to celebs after the Oscars! It seems Vampire Facials have replaced chocolates as the new best thing to put in goody bags! And here you thought chocolate was deadly!

Shall I book you an appointment now?

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