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March 20, 2012  | by: Dania McDermott

Season five of Jersey Shore wrapped last week, the finale episode serving as the perfect send-off to its most underwhelming stint yet. With minimal fights throughout, the cast spent their final night not wading in real drama, but turning their house inside out in the name of an ongoing prank war.

Not that previous seasons haven’t closed on a positive note – the ending of a booze-fueled summer legitimatized by cameras tends to yield a certain sadness. But the core element missing – the one present in Shore finales past – was the suggestion that there’s a reason to keep watching.

In light of its lameness, here are four reasons MTV should pull Jersey Shore from its lineup:

#1 The Guidos Have Wings

And they’re using them to fly from one lucrative deal to the next. Pauly D’s got a record contract, Snooki’s got a perfume, and JWoww… well, she’s proven that breast implants can pay the rent without involving a pole. Then there’s the spin-offs.

Spin-offs are tricky business. On one hand, they offer one (or more) of the show’s most beloved stars a chance at making it on their own, but on the other, they call the longevity of the original series into question.

News of a Snooki & JWoww spin-off may have come first, but The Pauly D Project will be the first spawn of Shore to hit small screens later this month. And given Pauly’s undeniable charm, it’s only a matter of time before the mastermind behind “CABS R HEA” eclipses Snooki’s reign as most popular cast-mate – that is, if he hasn’t already.

#2 Vinny's Over it

Despite his creepy claim to mama’s boydom, the resident “baby” of the Shore cast has always stood out for being the least tan and the most levelheaded – until recently. Once the cast was scuttled from Italy at the end of season four, their return to the States called for the immediate filming of season five – a breakneck scheduling that Vinny openly resented.

Matters worsened when the cast was reunited with their families before hitting the house, the emotion-filled gathering only cementing the obvious: Vinny didn’t want to be there. He fled the house due to “anxiety,” spurring rumors that he was done with the Shore for good.

He may have ultimately returned, but his actions spoke to his desires for the future: “I want to have a job after Jersey Shore is done, and I want to be an actor,” he told Huffington Post. “Everyone always calls me the next Mark Wahlberg because he started out as a gimmick, and then he transformed into a serious actor. I would definitely love a career like that.”

#3 JWoww Traded Her Soul for a Shitty New Face

Oh, JWoww. She had us at “After having sex with a guy I will rip his head off.” Sure, she was never a natural beauty, what with those twelve-pound boulders affixed to her torso, but no matter. She spoke her mind, she wore ugly black sneakers, and her face conveyed genuine emotion. Now she looks more like an aging Jersey Housewife than a twentysomething Shore ho.

Worse, she’s so focused on resembling a martian she’s forgotten how to be gully. “I feel like going on a show to have a plastic surgeon see if I got anything done, because I want to prove everyone wrong,” she told Wendy Williams in December.

Now now JWoww: Repeating a lie doesn’t make it true.

#4 Hatred is Greater Than Pity

Though she may have lacked the creativity needed to liken oneself to a tasty ball of meat, original cast member Angelina was a far cry better for TV than her season two replacement, Deena. Just check out how the two women chose to market themselves:


“I’m the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island.”  Translation: I have an inflated ego.


“I’m a blast in a glass!” Translation: Please be my friend (in spite of my gremlin face).

Harmless as they seem, their self-proclamations speak directly to their respective characters: Angelina’s a girl who hooks up with her male roommates and acts out of turn when they bring home other girls. Deena’s a girl who throws herself at her male roommates and settles on kissing girls when they refuse her. Angelina’s a bitch we can all hate – we’re just jealous – while Deena’s a girl we can’t help but feel sorry for – even Mike wouldn’t hit it.

Of course, there are other reasons Jersey Shore should be put out to pasture that some might deem worthy of watching – like Snooki being pregnant, or Ron and Sam getting along for more than two weeks – but something tells us they’d be undermining the appeal of a show like Shore if mature relationships between adults suddenly seem like a viable plot-twist.

Besides, there’s already a new set of tacky peeps with cawfee-tawk accents eager to show us how dysfunctional they are. Apparently, that’s how we do it in Brooklyn.

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