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March 30, 2013  | by: Leigh Badrigian
Screen shot 2013-03-29 at 11.04.12 PM

Flickr (gotsandinmypants)

 

 

You guys! Jeremy Renner just had a baby girl!

Well, he didn’t have the baby. That’s impossible, silly! He may hang out with superheroes, but let’s be honest…no man, no matter how super, would be able to handle being pregnant. That’s left to the real superheroes. Am I right, mah ladiez?!

So who was pregnant with Renner’s baby? Wait wait wait wait wait. Hold on. I think we need to take a pregnant pause here. Since when was Renner a dad-to-be?! Since when was Renner even in a relationship?!

I know celebrities are people, too, and their personal lives are none of our business blah blah blah, but if Jeremy Renner was dating someone, nevermind having a baby with someone, wouldn’t we have heard about it? Maybe not from him, but from the woman he was dating? I mean, if were dating Jeremy Renner, the world would know. I’d Tweet, Facebook, e-mail, text, tattoo, and verbally announce that info. Like, a lot. The tabloids wouldn’t have to pay me to print that information, I’d pay them. I’m just that classy, folks.

But I’m not the only one who was surprised that Jeremy was even seeing someone nine months ago. Not only that, but people were surprised that that someone was a woman! That’s right! Apparently, rumors have been circling that Jeremy is gay, to the point where he had to come out and tell The Hollywood Reporter, “It’s not f****** true!” (The Daily Mail).

Screen shot 2013-03-29 at 11.09.43 PM

Twitter (@nell_graham)

People thought Jeremy was gay because he’s never been linked with any women. But that doesn’t make him gay! He just likes to keep his personal life private! And the fact that before he started acting he made a career as a makeup artist? That doesn’t make him gay, either! That just makes him the most perfect man on earth! Honest to gawd, when he revealed this past career on Ellen and told women how we need to focus on “brows, lashes, and lips” to “frame the face,” I fell in love. A hot man who I could seduce with a smokey eye once he taught me how to actually create one?! Uhh…soulmate!

Now, to answer the question, “Who’s Jeremy Renner’s baby mama?” A 22-year-old Canadian lingerie model named Sonni Pacheco! 42-year-old Jeremy first met the model on the set of his movie, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. She was a stand in. The relationship didn’t last long and apparently it was really under wraps because no one knew about it! It was just a fling! But now it’s been revealed that Sonni’s been living at Jeremy’s apartment (along with his roommate…why does he have a roommate?!) so that he could be around for the last few months of her pregnancy. He was even overheard at this year’s Golden Globes telling Eva Longoria, “I’m going to fly in when her water breaks” (NY Daily News)!

The two are no longer in a relationship (and haven’t been for nine months), but maybe they’ll start things up again with a baby now in the picture? I mean, having a baby with your ex is, like, the number one way to resurrect a failed relationship. And if they can’t make a full-on relationship work, maybe Jeremy and Sonni can have a fun fling again? Nothing heats up a couple’s sex life better than a newborn baby!

I’m hoping these two can make it work. Raising a child is a huge responsibility, not to mention totally exhausting. But Sonni needn’t worry. Jeremy knows all the best tricks on how to cover up those dark circles!

Were you guys surprised at Jeremy’s baby news?!

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