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October 26, 2011  | by: Kyle Edwards

Schweddy Balls

When I was a child, my mother would often reprimand me for wasting food. “Beggars can’t be choosers,” she would say, all the while force-feeding me heaping spoonfuls of wrinkled, tasteless peas. But for certain grocery store chains, I suppose beggars can be choosers.

The annoying parenting watchdog group One Million Moms has taken yet another step towards the total eradication of all things fun. Despite its high demand, grocery stores around the nation are removing the controversial yet popular Ben and Jerry’s flavor “Schweddy Balls” from freezer shelves.

Instead of acknowledging the name as a clever homage to one of the most noteworthy moments in TV comedy, One Million Moms sees it as a personal attack on the moral fabric of American culture. And grocery stores are caving under the pressure of these imposing extremists (also known as bored housewives). Pretty soon, stockers will be boxing up cans of Hormel Beans and Wieners and bags of Blow Pops to be sent off to some reprocessing plant where they’ll be given child-safe names like Bean and Meat Dinner and Bubblegum Candy Sticks.

And the most angering part of all of this: I haven’t even gotten to try it. I’ve been scouring every supermarket for a pint of this stuff, only to find out it’s being pulled out from under my fingers.

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