Music used to be a classy industry. Back when Frank Sinatra waltzed and Ella Fitzgerald set hearts a flutter. But then that damn Elvis came around with his pelvis and it’s all been downhill since then. The state of music now? Let’s just let this be an indication and be glad our grandparent’s hearing is too far gone to really understand anything Nicki Minaj is saying (She wants to be licked where?)
When the Grammys roll around once a year, we’re expecting nothing but the most riotously lewd interpretation of formalwear that fashion has to offer. However, this year CBS threw a curveball in the form of an advisory against all under-boob, side-boob, sheer fabric, visible underwear, buttcracks, logos, or “fleshy curves.” Basically eradicating the skank from Hollywood’s most notoriously slutty event. But the tables were turned again as CBS’s attempt at conformity unleashed a hellfire of anarchy that our eyes have never beheld before. Let me break it down for you.
Grammys fashion + dress code – freedom to bare side-boob = one way ticket to Fugly Town.
Offender #1 – Adele.
So much of me wants to develop momentary amnesia and forget this dress ever happened. Adele is so talented, classy, and usually well dressed that this red number is an outlier. But what an outlier it is. Some words that come to mind when viewing her Valentino are: teapot, vacuum-sealed, Joseph Stalin’s drapery, and Mrs. Doubtfire.
There is really nothing redeemable about this dress; from its peculiar one-inch collar to the particular way I suspect its red floral lace will dissuade any romantic boyfriends/ husbands from visiting the florist this Valentine’s Day. Chocolate it is then.
Offender #2 – Justin Timberlake.
For someone who just released a meticulously created new single “Suit and Tie,” Timberlake really needs to rethink his definition of the words. It’s too much. And it’s all wrong. First of all, we know you have curly hair, Justin. Most of us lived through the 90s. It’s going to take more than 20 years to forget the jheri curl.
Though, if anything was to erase that image from our minds it would be that hair on Grammy night. JT had so much gel in his hair that it’ll likely cause all the douchebag frat boys and every Italian on the Jersey Shore to join forces and track him down for stealing their supply. Hair aside, the suit and tie ensemble was too forced and bordered on tacky. I didn’t know someone could mess up black and white so much until I saw his outfit.
Offender #3 – Carly Rae Jepsen.
If Jepsen showed up to all events in her life, no one is going to call her back ever. It doesn’t matter how many times she warbles the insidiously catchy chorus in your ear, an ugly dress like that just doesn’t qualify her as dating material. It is obvious from the delicate nature of her arms that Jepsen is a skinny girl, so why this dress made her look wider than the Pacific Ocean is a mystery.
Sherlock Holmes mode activated … and mystery solved. That dress doesn’t fit! It looks like a beginner’s attempt at origami that was made with sequined paper and had some chiffon hot-glued on to try and obscure the perplexing ugliness of its polygon shape. This is the Grammys Carly, leave the arts and crafts at home.
Now we have gotten to the point in our article that for the sake of my throbbing fingers and your attention span, we’ll be switching to the Michael Scott- style roast of the remaining celebs. Those of you unfamiliar with the practice, look here. Okaaay and go!
Esperanza Spalding – your dress looks like vomit screen-printed onto shiny fabric. Boom, roasted!
Florence Welch – Now we know what hatched out of Lady Gaga’s egg two years ago. Boom, roasted!
Kimbra – you look like what would hatch out of swan-dress Bjork’s egg. Boom, roasted!
Kat Von D – that dress looks like it’s from Hot Topic. Boom, roasted! Lupe Fiasco – you’re wearing a dress, dude. Boom, roasted!
Ashley Keating – three words: slutty prom mermaid. Boom, roasted!
Jay Manuel – your suit looks like birds shit all over it. Boom, roasted!
Grammy-attending celebs, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Just because there’s a dress code doesn’t mean you have to disrespect the sanctity of fashion like that. But I’ve said enough. You’re all probably ashamed enough of yourselves. I would be if I got out-shined by Jenna Jameson… with her clothes on.
Who was your worst offender on Grammy night?Adele, Ashley Keating, Carly Rae Jepsen, CBS, Esperanza Spalding, Florence Welch, Grammys, jay manuel, Justin Timberlake, Kat von D, Kimbra, worst dressed