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March 30, 2013  | by: Jara Montez
Game of Thrones on HBO

Game of Thrones on HBO

 

Spring is here, but winter is coming…

Good one!

And if you didn’t get that, shame on you!

George R.R. Martin’s superstar fantasy series turned HBO’S mega-hit, “Game of Thrones” returns for more deceit, heartbreak (ahem, Robb), and conflict in its Season Three Premiere, tomorrow night.

If you haven’t watched it, you most definitely fall into the same category as the off-her-rocker, Amanda Bynes, but I’m here to move you off it with a rundown of the characters, storyline, and anything else you need to know.

The Iron Throne

Every great story revolves around the conquest to have absolute power. Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and to an extent, every episode of “Dexter’s Laboratory”.

“Game of Thrones” follows a similar paradigm, except we’ve got about fifty people (meaning five kings, and a Dragon Lady) fighting for the one thing: The Iron Throne. It’s like breakfast at the Brady household. However, the throne isn’t just an uncomfortable plinth made of surrendered enemy’s swords. If your bum is sitting pretty in the adorned chair, that means you are King of the Seven Kingdoms, King of Westeros, King of the World. Now doesn’t that sound like a great little addition to your resume.

The Starks

Objectively speaking, THESE ARE THE GOOD PEOPLE. If we wanted to make a juvenile comparison to popular movies, they’d be Pride Rock. There’s six little Simbas, well, technically five since one of them is illegitimate, so we’ll just say he’s Hercules, (he does in fact “go the distance”) attempting to avenge their father’s death by the ruthless Lannisters, or since we’re going with this Lion King theme, Scar & Co.

Too bad we have absolutely no idea where they are.

Well, the audience does, but the characters…not so much. A little dramatic irony for you. But real talk, Papa Ned is dead and Mama Catelynn is attempting to help her eldest, Robb become king. One sister, Arya, is missing, and the other, Sansa is stuck with the enemy. The two youngest, Bran and Rickon are technically dead, but really on the run. And  Jon is too busy protecting everyone from evil snowmen.

Where is Nick Fury when you need him to make the call: “AVENGERS, ASSEMBLE”.

Also, since this is actually relevant to the success of the show: Robb Stark and Jon Snow are beautifully crafted human beings.

(Instagram)

(Instagram)

 

 

The Lannisters

It’s difficult to start explaining why they are relevant, instead of finding ways to humanely dispatch them. While the latter would be so satisfying, let’s stick to the script. THESE ARE THE BAD PEOPLE. Joffrey Baratheon, the incestuous spawn of his mother and her brother, is currently king, currently pissing me off, and currently ruining the world. He’s also incredibly dumb, petulant, sadistic, and once again, dumb. So his mother (who sums up every single Disney Queen, and then some) feeds him advice. Does he listen? He’s a teenager, so you answer that question.

There is however a sliver of hope for the Lannisters, and that lies in Tyrion. Hands down the smartest individual on the show, he spends most of his time trying to fix everything Joffrey did wrong, on top of enacting brilliant military plans (Battle of Blackwater, anyone?), establishing alliances, and being the character I hate to love, because after all, he is a Lannister.

 

Instagram

Instagram

 

Daenerys Targaryen

Welcome to the world of Deadly Tangential Characters!

Daenerys has been in her own little world for both seasons. She has yet to interact with any of the main characters in Westeros described above. But who cares? She has dragons. DRAGONS. And she’s planning to use them to take back what is rightfully hers; The Iron Throne. Oh yea, and she’s also been acquiring a bunch of proletarians and turning them into a mighty forceful army. Girl power.

 

Flickr (Jemimus)

Flickr (Jemimus)

 

The Whitewalkers

Known as “The Others” in the novels (Ayo, all ya Losties out there!), they are essentially anthropomorphic Frosty the Snowmen killers. A long, long time ago, they eliminated a whole bunch of people in Westeros. So, they decided to build this massive ice wall to prevent them from entering. Then they put together the Night Watch, an assembly of grand men to serve as the barrier between civilization and the Frosties. Jon Snow is one of them (what a stud <3).

Except we have a teeny problem: THE WHITEWALKERS ARE ABOUT TO WIPE OUT WESTEROS. Seeing past that great alliteration there, the final minutes of the Season Two finale ended with us being face to face with a Whitewalker, and the panoramic view of the entire gang of them making their way South. We’re doomed! We’re doomed!

If that didn’t convince you to watch the premiere, let me break it down in more straightforward, superficial terms:

Hot people. Lots of action. Great story line. Hot people. Incredible character development. Hot people.

Season Three premieres on HBO Sunday, March 31st at 9. Check out the trailer, here. You and the Easter Bunny can sit down and watch it together. Pretty sure he’s a distant relative of the Whitewalkers, anyway.

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