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March 29, 2013  | by: Leigh Badrigian
Screen shot 2013-03-27 at 9.29.31 PM

Twitter (endclothing)


In Greek mythology, the god named Hermes is symbolized as “the messenger.” His father, mighty Zeus, also made him the god of commerce due to Hermes’ mischievous thieving tendencies.

French fashion house, Hermes – oh, pardon et moi - Hermès, was named after its founder Thierry Hermès, but, for me, the label, like the famous Greek god, can also be seen as a messenger. As in, “Hermès messengers me into a whole lot of debt.” Or, to parallel the god’s mischievous ways, “Hermès is the thief of my checking account.”

Hahaha…who am I kidding?! I’ve never shopped at Hermès in my life! I can’t even afford the napkin that comes with the champagne they serve you while shopping at an Hermès store! At least, I’m assuming they serve you champagne while you shop. All fancy stores do this, correct? I mean, they have to, right? No sober person would drop $7000 on a handbag.

I’m speaking of the Hermès Birkin bag, of course. Named after English actress and singer, Jane Birkin, the Birkin is rumored to have a waiting list of at least three years! It serves as a status symbol…(that status being, “I’m rich! I’m rich! I’m rich!)…for anyone who’s crazy lucky enough to carry one.

Screen shot 2013-03-27 at 9.33.10 PM

Flickr (linyunangel)

Birkin bags start at around $5,000 (chump change) and can sell for upwards of $100,000. If that’s still too cheap for you, you can try and score the platinum and diamond-encrusted Birkin…you know…the one designed by Japanese designer, Ginza Tanaka? That one only costs $1.9 millon.

But let’s be serious. What’s anyone going to do with a handbag? One should never invest in a quality purse. They just don’t last! And honestly, why would anyone need anything to carry all their crap around in? We have hands for a reason, people.

Now, what you really need to invest in is a t-shirt. It is so difficult to go t-shirt shopping nowadays, isn’t it? You can’t find them anywhere! It’s so frustrating! Thank gawd Hermès has created one we can actually wear! At least, one men can actually wear. Sorry, ladiez, this ain’t Hanes Her Way. This tee is for the manliest of men only.

It’s made entirely of crocodile skin so it’s super fierce, not to mention, super cozy. And though it’s made of skin, it’s not skin tight. It’s fitted without being fem, though I think it’s pretty much impossible to create a leather t-shirt that’s anything but masculine, am I right?

Screen shot 2013-03-27 at 9.37.32 PM

Twitter (@XxDuhastxX)

Okay, so now the price. It’s about $91,000. Totally reasonable. It’s a t-shirt, you guys. Those things can get pretty expensive. This one’s a bargain, really. And at $91,000, the sales tax will be about $8,000. But that’s New York. I live in Massachusetts and there’s no sales tax on clothes here, so that’s perfect! Except…this t-shirt is only being sold at the Hermès store in New York. So umm….alright!

I bet you’re asking yourself, “Who would buy this?” You really should be asking, “Who wouldn’t buy this?, but to answer your question, someone has already bought this t-shirt. I’ll give you a hint. It’s Kanye West. Really not his style (he’s not one to splurge), but whatever.

Honestly, you guys. This shirt is to die for. No, seriously. A bunch of crocodiles died for it.  Oh no no no no! Don’t feel bad, guys! We’re not just killing animals to kill them. We need crocodile t-shirts. They’re wardrobe essentials! And honestly, we humans will get way more wear out of croc skin than those crocodiles ever would.

Tell us…Are you shocked that Mr. West was first in line to buy this new tee?


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