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April 06, 2013  | by: Jara Montez
Flickr (Guillaume Paumier)

Flickr (Guillaume Paumier)

This is for all of us whose hearts skip a beat when they see the little red notification icon.This is for all of us that are consumed by the classy, minimalist blue and white theme. This is for all of us that are so thoroughly involved in one of the most popular social media sites that we quite possibly might marry it.

Mark Zuckerberg has finally given us what we wanted: a Facebook takeover on our phone! Introducing, Facebook Home!

Kidding.

This is not 2008, and quite frankly, no one wants it.

Zuckerberg has somehow confused the popularity of Facebook, with that of Justin Bieber.  37 million Beliebers, not 37 million Facebelievers. But with the release of Home, you’d think Facebook is the hottest thing runnin’.

What is this obscure Home concept?

It’s essentially an entire revamp of the user interface on your phone, replaced with that of Facebook’s. And when I say phone, I mean the super exclusive party of Android users. Sorry iPhoners, no Facebook Home for you (relax, you’ll be OK).

Careful what you call it, however. It’s not a “Facebook Phone,” but it’s also not just a simple app. It resides mainly in the area where Middle-earth and unicorns exist.

Home isn’t a phone or operating system, and it’s also more than just an app. Home is a completely new experience that lets you see the world through people, not apps.

See the world through people, not apps? I like this idea, since going outside and seeing the world through my own eyes is a little reckless, no?

Continue, please.

From the moment you wake up your phone you become immersed in cover feed. Cover feed replaces the lock screen and home screen. It’s a window into what’s happening with your friends.

IMMERSED IN COVER FEED. That loosely translates to: I HAVE NO LIFE.

Cover feed is great for seeing everything going on in the world. But when something happens that’s more important and directed at you, like a friend posting on your timeline, you’ll receive notifications with their profile pictures.

This has got to be the greatest part of the manifesto. My BFF Kimmy’s photos of me wasted last night takes precedent over news about nuclear bombs, duh.

Twitter (Slate)

Twitter (Slate)

 

There’s also some questionable nomenclature. Chat heads…but I’m just going to graze over that and get to the ubiquitous line in every article regarding Facebook for the past two years:

ENOUGH WITH THE UPDATES/ALTERATIONS/PLOTS OF WORLD DOMINATION.

Facebook, we understand, we really do. We know you are trying to maintain your position at the top. But as of late, you have honestly changed your appearance and settings more times than Madonna, which is not even physically possible.Clearly everyone has ignored mom’s advice; “if it’s not broke, don’t fix it.”

Let Facebook be for the parents that want to be cool, and the companies that want to share their annoying ads. Our generation has let it go, so you might as well stop trying to reel us in. You don’t need to worry, since you still have Instagram, which is incredibly popular with us youngsters. Please, please, please don’t touch it. Leave it alone. We’ve already forgotten about the privacy debacle, so (I cannot stress this enough) as long as you DON’T DO ANYTHING TO IT, you’ll be alright. I cannot imagine waking up and being IMMERSED IN COVER FEED with pretentious pictures of sushi and macaroons.

To all my Android users, are you hopping on this Home bandwagon? Or are we marking this as a flop?

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