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March 12, 2013  | by: Kelly Hanelt
Flickr (maritzatorres@ymail.com)

Flickr (maritzatorres@ymail.com)

 

Because 1,380 pages of leather, whips, and I guess some semblance of an emotionally abusive love story wasn’t enough, E.L. James is once again gracing the world with her literary gifts. No, it isn’t a sequel about Christian and Ana’s “blip” kinko baby all grown up, and no, it isn’t a screenplay written for Ian Somerhalder. No, for her latest project, E.L. James is really branching out into uncharted territory. She’s creating a guidebook about how to write.

Entitled Fifty Shades of Grey: Inner Goddess (A Journal) this book will apparently combine professional advice from one of the world’s worst, yet richest, authors ever, and lined pages for readers to express their own inner Aphrodites. An equation for instant literary acclaim and success? No. An equation for a shameless money-making scheme that will undoubtedly launch the “getting in touch with your inner goddess” trend like a shuttle to Mars? Hell yes.

And if you don’t think this is a bad idea yet, here are some hints of what E.L. James might just have your inner goddess be doing …

  1. “The merengue with some salsa moves”
  2. sitting “in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face”
  3. jumping “up and down with cheerleading pom-poms yelling yes at [you]“
  4. looking “like someone snatched her ice cream”
  5. “doing the dance of seven veils”
  6. “fist pump[ing] the air above her chaise lounge”
  7. “swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm”
  8. “celebrating her inner bitch”
  9. “clapping her hands with glee like a small child”
  10. “perform[ing] a perfect triple Salchow her ice-skates”

And maybe if you’re lucky, she’ll have “back-flipped off the podium and [do] cartwheels around the stadium.”

A girl can only dream.

Now, I could waste another 800 words and 5 minutes of your time explaining why exactly not to buy this book, but I think hope (desperately) that you get the point. When considering your literary heroes there is E.L. James, author of certified porn (which has most likely been read by your mother), and then there is Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Dickens, Austen, Bronte, Tolstoy, Twain, Proust, Lawrence (no, not Jennifer) … the list goes on and on. But the comparison doesn’t.

Summer reading is right around the corner and whether you’re in high school, or a 50-year college graduate, it is never too late to stop the madness, put down E.L. James’s literotica and help restore our vanishing literary culture.

So, what say you? Down with the Inner Goddess monologues?

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